London.

So I just landed in London and am sitting in the red carpet club with Miki waiting for our flight home.
Japan was amazing, the hotel was amazing, the people were amazing and... everything was just amazing.
I brought back candyyy! The cutest candy in the world! The this morning or last night O.o (time is all screwy now) I was on vent with Victor and I sent him so pics of this thing in a wrapper that came with a little toy I bought... I wasn't sure if it was a candy or one of those gel insert craps. It kinda looked like a chicklet, and Victor told me to bite into it, which I did.
IT WAS GUMMM!!! Apple flavored gum(: mmm.

ANYWHO about Japan... originally I had taken a week off school cause I was planning on going on a road trip with a friend... which didn't work out. I had a lot of money saved up and blah blah blah... So I talked to my dad that it would be good for me to go to japan to visit the university and get a taste of the culture and where I would be and to see if I really wanted to go there (WHICH I DOOOO). After a LONG talk with my mom he agreed...but said he didnt want me going alone and that he would come... O.O!!! no. no nononononoon. So I suggested Miki...ok yes, Miki's a boy...daughter + boy + foreign country = NO FUCKING WAY. HE SPAZZED. to be honest I dont really hand out with any girls...
I finally convinced my dad that I'm 19 years olddddd, in a year I'll be 20!Me with a boy shouldn't be THAT big of a deal. Plus Miki had stayed over like 3 times in the past 2 weeks while I was in a complete depressed state and that he wouldn't ever do something funny to me (without consent from me..ehem sh.) ...which he didnt in those 2 weeks.
Miki had helped me through something really really big. He came to see me in the hospital when no one else did... I've told him everything about me, all the stupid stuff I've done... I've been totally honest with him, and he's accepted me with all my mistakes.
I told all of this to my dad and I even told him I do like him, and if were about me wanting to run off to have sex or something I wouldn't have to go to Japan to do it. My dad told me that he wanted Miki to come and talk to him and wanted to set some guidelines and wanted to make sure Miki was safe and such...
My dad and him talked and it was fine... Miki had grandparents in Japan and they would be there if anything happened and blah blah.
It all worked out.(:

OMG Japan was so beautiful and fun. I met Miki's grandparents and he said to THEM!(in perfect japanese of course) "this is the girl I would like to be my girlfriend"....meee!!! ok okokkkk... let me explain... I've only had maybe 4 real serious boyfriends in my life... First one..dated for 6 months freshman year in high school, never met the parents really which was fine. Dated another for 3 months...he turned out to be gay/bi met the parents as a "friend"... Last boyfriend in high school, dated for 2 years, met the parents as girlfriend...but parents always introduced me as his "friend" (which pissed me off.)...then a few months ago dated a boy for like 2 months, told his parents we were "kinda" dating...
I felt so happy and yea... amazing. he said it to his grandparents...GRANDPARENTS... ha. hahahha. hahahaaaaa. ( i think thats when the uncontrollable giggles kicked in and I'm pretty sure his grandparents though I was crazy...) but anyway... they were so niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and gave me a little blessing (which ive been trying to look up to figure out what they said O.o) and said i was welcome anytime and awww so cute. I love grandparents... I love old people hahaha.

We did a lot of sight seeing and ate so much yummy fooddddd. Since our internal time clock was all thrown off cause of jetlag I made Miki watch drama shows like the OC and gossip girl while it was 2 am and we couldnt sleep. In turn Miki forced me to exercise. yes...exercise on vacation. huff... I mean yea I told him to make me do it if I didn't before we left...but...I didnt think he actually would... butt. Also he stopped me from eating ridiculously awful foods, which at the time I got mad about, but now I'm grateful (yay 2 pounds down!)... (I want my chunky double chin to go away...growl)

I took tons of pictures and bought wayyy more than I should have...like WAY more. Hello kitty heaven!!!!

I went to visit the university and it was awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I love the campus and the teachers and everything. Everyones so nice and *sigh* I'm so glad.

ok ok i have 25 min till we have to start boarding...
more laterrrr...

Heaven's Gate

I'm watching a show about Heaven's Gate(cult). I'm SO fascinated by cults...Other than Charles Manson, I think Applewhite is the next most interesting cult leader. I'm rather curious of Scientology also. I'm so excited to have been watching ID channel and HAPPEN to notice this show in the background.
Watching this makes me remember how I'd like to be a Cult Expert. Cults, killers, and such all are SO interesting to me. I just want to know more and understand what's going on in their minds. I mean, I guess, you can't ever really know but I'd like to have more understanding of what really makes up a cult leader, and a killer.
Speaking of careers... I want to be a pediatrician...I turned down the chance to go to a good school for psychology to purse this... meaning ill be stuck in community college for another year... >:O but I have contract with a school which I'll hopefully meet the expectations of.
Truthfully, I was AWFUL in high school. I hated homework, I didn't bother on tests and because of some classes I really hateddd *coughhistoryenglishcough* I almost DIDN'T graduate. I just barely skimmed in a passing grade last minute. But thankfully, my senior year I spent a LOT of time with extra math and science classes out of school that were REALLY amazing. I love math. I really really do. Those classes were also make up for some bad bad grades. I ended up getting a really great offer for a good school because of my advancement in math&science, which was really amazing. And I agreed to attend this school after a year of attending Community College to make up some much needed grades in english *ick*...
It's been a few months since then...and I ended up turning it down finally... Theres a school I really really want to get into... Somewhere where I can purse the career I really REALLY want. I love psychology and everything, but... I've come to realize I could never really be a psychologist cause I have a hard time disconnecting myself from others problems.
But while I do have that problem, I really really do love people and helping others. This is why i'm going to Americorps in a few months :D And medicine not only ccan you really help people and you can SEE the change, and I get to work with science and math and people and everything I love.

HONESTLY SPEAKING. If I fell in love with someone who had a good job and could be well off, I'd rather be a house wife. Weirdly tho... I've ALWAYS been for womens independence and never having to rely on someone, especially a man... but lately, I'd like to rely on someone...
Sadly, living here means thats not really going to happen...
The college I want...is in Japan. I'm honestly thrilled. I think this is what I want more than anything...
We shall see.

hanshin kyojin.

wow I like Lifehouse. Cool band:D

Went to ikea today...maybe should have washed pillows before using them...eeee....

I LOVE IKEA it's amazing and cheap and i got a LOT.

in other news... built a bookshelf..and just realized a put a piece backwards and its hammered in and so I can't take it out...fuck. hahahahaha.

im slightly disturbed...why would any girl let a vampire lick her.... I mean MAYBE if he was really hot...but is it worth it??? I don't think so. I want to be vampire...

In other news, test results came in this morning. I have to back into testing tomorrow, just beautiful... -.- I'm not missing Laila's wedding don't care what stupid docs say ahh.

I feel really happy for some weird reason. Like i'm floating. I can't help but smile watching Otani, Ryuuji. I feel like i want to scream and will burst any second... am i crazy?

The last 2 weeks, while awful from being sick, have been perfectly incredible. Is it weird to smile this much and feel like i just...can't NOT smile. I want to laugh and giggle cause ahhh.

If im so happy over something so silly what will it be like if I ever love someone? eeeeeeee.

I love life. so frickn much.

My hearts literally going to rip out of my chest.

btw.

When i have a child (if girl) I know the name i shall chose:DDD

Bachelorette

Haha awesome day yesterday.

Bachelorette party last nightttt. Wayyyyyy too many drunk girls. It was amazing some of them were still standing. Of course Christy gave Lisa a very very...umm...interesting surprise. haaaaaa. I hid out in the kitchen once "they" arrived and watched anime on my iPod. I also managed to sneak out a bit early (sorry Lisa, if you read this). It was really really fun though. I felt really exhausted when I got there though and Lisa let me sleep in her room before the party started. I'm very jealous of her temperpedic (spelling?) bed. I want one now.

After the party at around 5am I went to Ian's and he drove me to Santa Cruz to watch the sunrise. It was really really nice. I hadn't been there in forever cause I've been gone so long. I totally fell asleep on the ride back while listening to my iPod. (:

Well now I'm home... Time to go to beddd...

Kinda sucks how energetic I am at night and dead I am in the morning....

OUT!!

Out...not for good, but overall. Now I mostly will have to go back in for check ups. Finallyyyyyyyyyy.

It's beautiful.

It's almost Laila's wedding YAY((((:

It's this coming Sunday woooottttttt.

I finally had to get a new moleskin cause I filled my old one. It's a good day. Maybe it will be a good week.

Went shopping with mom and finally got the MUFE HD foundation which I've very excited about.

Nothing epic going on to write about.

HSHC

Out of the hospital for a week or so (:

Finally... the food in there is making me sick.

Thank you for those who came to visit me.

I feel slightly better, but all the treatment has got me exhausted. Plus my internal time clock is all fucked up.

&&yes I'm done at Chili's...finally.

I'll blog once I'm properly out cause until then I'm going to try to see my friends.

(:

Done.

Done...
I broke up with him.

(:
I mean he's a good guy. He really is.
It's just for the first time I feel really independent, and happy.
Plus I felt like i was tied up... meaning that if I didn't call, "OMG WHERE WERE YOU"... "who's he"... and just being alone wasn't an option. I don't want to be with someone who controls me... Also the fact I didn't say I love you made him mad. Plus my change with kissing and all that other stuff i think was hard on him.

Don't get me wrong, I would like a boyfriend.
But...He wasn't right for me. I miss having a boyfriend, but not him in particular. Just the idea of having someone haha.
I'm really happy with my life. I really really am...
I mean it's not the end of the world



wise men say only fools rush in, But I can't help falling in love with you

Birthday!

In lake tahoe for my birthday.
I'm here with 2 of the most important people in my life... Daniel and Alicia (:
I'm getting my cupcake tattoo tonight in rememberance of my 19th birthday!!! hahahaha. I'm excited.
We saw a cabaret last night... guys as women... kinda creepy but it was REALLY good. And of course on the drive up we got lost and drove to the other side of lake tahoe. we finally found the hotel, and then the front desk told me I had to leave $200 at the desk for each room. BS. I called my dad who called the hotel and they left it at $50 for each room. Bwahahaha.
And we surprisingly fit all the shit in my car. It was awesome.
Also going to a sushi place night in town. yay!


It's my bday today yayayayay!

"Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before..."

I'm trying to learn to be at peace with myself... move away from all the negative shit.
I've done some pretty fucked up shit in the past. I thought I needed to be a certain person to have friends... and I know I've left a lot of people pissed off at me... But I've decided to stop dwelling on it and move on. I can't change the past and I can't change the opinion others have of me.
All I can do is learn from my dumb mistakes and change...
I guess I'm happy because I have some new friends who really cares about me as I am... the real me, not some dumb fake made up me. It feels really really good. My life feels happy right now... like I can breath.

Is it weird that I feel genuinely happy, and that I don't think I've felt like this before. Like, I really don't feel sad about anything... Just completely content.

I love life.
Plus Huey's nibbling my sock, its quite cute. (((:

Christy&Rob

I wanted to share my friends story...the story that makes me believe in love.

Christy is part of a special religious group and during a retreat some other groups came together and through her friend she met Rob there. Christy being the freak (I say that loveingly) she is went up to Rob and said "Hey my names Christy, I'm going to marry you."... needless to say Rob was COMPLETELY freaked out.
*when i asked Rob about this he told me he though she was a complete weirdo and made it a point to stay away from her*
Christy left him alone after that...she didn't bother him and that was pretty much the only contact they ever had... retreat came and went and they went their separate ways. 2 years passed... Another retreat came and I guess Rob had forgotten by this time and this is how Rob describes it, "I saw Christy and I didn't realize she was the girl that said that to me, but when I saw her that first day she was incredible. I don't think I could keep my eyes off her. A friend of mine hit on her that night and I remember I went up to him after and told him to not get near her, even though I hadn't ever talked to her. The next day I asked her on a date...and in May of 2008 we got married..."

And thats that.
Christy is like my older sister and everything I see in them is what I hope to have someday. After seeing them, I don't want to settle for anything less than exactly what I want. I mean she told me of course there is good and bad, there always is, and it's going to be hard but that happens in every relationship.

I LOVE HER(((:

Love?

I feel guilty...
He said he LOVES me.
love...
I've dated a few guys, and yea I've said i love you...but I don't think I knew what it ment and to be honest I didn't really mean it. I realized that a few months after a long longgggg talk with my best friend alicia(:
I don't want to say I love you to just anyone...
So...I couldn't say it back. I mean its only been a few weeks!!!! How can you love someone so fast? Plus, truthfully, I don't love him. I like him...
I felt really bad because he looked at me waiting but i just kinda ignored it.

I've dated mostly guys that say I love you to get something...for years the same guy told me how much he cared...for sex. I always fell for it...it really piss' me off when I think about it now. How was I soooooo dumb. And sadly enough, it wasn't just ONE guy that played stupid shit like that.
I'm not saying I was a good gf, cause a lot of times I wasn't, but when I liked someone...I really really liked them. I made a lot of dumb mistakes. I don't want to be like that anymore.
When I tell someone I love them I wanna really really mean it. someone that makes me completely happy and who I can picture being with for a really long time. Someone ment just for me... Someone who even after a day of shit I can go home and just forget everything.
When I meet this person, then I'll say I love you...